Eight Ways to Prepare Your Child for a New Baby

All pictures taken by the lovely and talented Heather Mildenstein

Adding a new baby to the family? We're not right now, but I have a ton of friends who recently had a baby or will be having one soon, and it has gotten me thinking about ways to make this big transition easier for everyone in the whole family.

When it comes to preparing for a new baby, time is your friend. By the time Violet arrived on the scene, Madeline and I had been talking and reading about having a baby sister for nine solid months. That's a long time. Although there was no way for her to know what having a sibling would really be like, nine months of hearing about it gave her a pretty good idea of what it entailed and she was very excited for "Baby Sis" to come.

Of course the initial reality was that she suddenly couldn't have all--or even much--of my attention. I couldn't pick her up and haul her around like she wanted, and I spent a lot of time napping, fighting mastitis, and nursing that sweet little baby while her grandmas took care of her. So it was natural that she still had some adjusting to do as we settled into life as a family of four. I'm confident, however, that the steps we took to ease the transition from only child to older sister made a difference in how quickly she adapted.

Here are my best tips for easing the transition when you add a new baby to the family, both for before and after your baby's birth. Just for reference, Madeline was 2 years, 4 months when Violet was born.

1. Talk about when your child was born and what he or she was like as a baby. I regularly told Madeline about her own birth and shared stories about what she was like as a baby. I showed her a special photo album that had pictures of when she was brand new, and I allowed her to leaf through it as much as she wanted. She absolutely loved seeing herself and hearing stories about her own life, and it gave us an easy way for us to talk about what would happen when the new baby arrived. Simply knowing what to expect is empowering for children and gives them a sense of security when things are changing.

2. Read books with your child about what babies are like and about becoming a big sister or brother. Literature is a great way for children to explore new circumstances before things actually change, and since we are naturally big readers this was especially helpful in our family. I'm sure there are many good books on this topic (and would love to have suggestions for more!), but two in particular became our favorites before Violet was born:

Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born, by Jamie Lee Curtis
I'm a Big Sister, by Joanna Cole (I'm a Big Brother is also available)

We read these two books over and over and over again, and Madeline was enthralled. I will admit that the one by Jamie Lee Curtis (which is actually about adopting a baby) made me choke up the first 115 times we read it. It's just so amazing when we can welcome these perfect little babies to our homes. The one by Joanna Cole is simple, yet such a great way for kids to learn about babies and about what their new role in the family will be.

3. Stock up on a few special presents that you can pull out when you are feeding the baby. New babies take a long time to eat, and they do it about a million times a day. I found that having a few special presents on hand made it easier for Madeline to handle all of these feedings. When kids are little, the newness of something automatically makes it interesting, so you can get a lot of mileage out of small gifts. I also liked having things that Madeline could play with in one place, because that encouraged her to stay nearby and allowed me to still talk to her while I was nursing the baby. I got these blocks from Melissa & Doug, and Madeline loved putting the different puzzles together. It kept her engaged for a long time because there were so many different possibilities. I also got a few new books (some from me, some from a friend), and that was perfect. Sidewalk chalk was also awesome for the same reasons.

4. Try to keep things as normal as possible when the baby comes. Ha ha ha. Good luck with that. Really, though, toddlers especially thrive on routine, and having at least part of their world remain the same when everything else is changing can make a big difference. We were lucky enough to have two grandmas who could come and stay with us, and it was super helpful that they could keep meals and naps humming along as usual. When Violet and I were in the hospital, we also helped Madeline have some normalcy by having Dave go home after her nap to do her afternoon treatment, give her dinner, and put her to bed. This will be way different for every family, but think about how your child benefits the most in terms of routine, and then brainstorm ways to make those things a priority.

5. As the baby reaches new milestones, tell your child about the things he or she learned at the baby's same age. I did this at six days and six weeks and six months, and I still do it today. It seems to help Madeline feel important and valued, and it give me a chance to explain how much she means to me. I love helping her learn about her own life this way. Also, it drives me crazy that kids forget all these beautiful moments we had with them when they were small! This is just one way to give her those memories back.

6. Get excited about the baby's accomplishments. Talk to your child about how great it is that the baby can learn these things and what a great job he or she has already done learning them. This approach has helped Madeline get more excited for Violet, along with making her feel great because she can see how much she has learned. I love when I hear Madeline say, "Hooray, Violet, you are clapping your hands!" or whatever her new milestone is. Teaching kids to cheer each other along is a plus in my book.

7. Involve your child with taking care of the baby. Madeline has always been a huge helper, and having a new baby in the house really gave her a chance to shine. I would give her lots of simple tasks, such as getting a clean diaper, handing me the baby wipes, laying out a towel, picking out a onesie, etc. Violet used to wear some pretty crazy outfits because if Madeline wanted to pick one out, I let her. It made her feel good and was a small way for her to serve her sister. We always grow to love the people we serve, and I can tell that service has strengthened Madeline's love for Violet in addition to making her feel involved.

8. Make time to play with your child one-on-one, even when the baby is awake. Even the most calm new babies require a lot of time and attention, and that can be especially hard for a first child who is used to getting undivided attention. For us, it made a huge difference when I took a few moments to let Madeline sit in my lap for a book or a game while Violet simply played on the floor. Madeline still needed that one-on-one time, and getting it frequently helped her see that Violet's presence didn't always trump her own needs. It seemed to make her more accepting about having Violet involved with everything else that we did.

Of course, different approaches will work for different children and different families. I'm sure that adding baby number five to the family is different from adding baby number two, but I'm also sure that a mix of these strategies can be helpful in any situation. I don't pretend to be an expert, though, and I'm sure there are lots of amazing tricks I haven't thought of. What about you? What have you done to ease the transition when another baby comes along? Any great book recommendations?